


mac and charlie get stoned

by golden_geese



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Other, also DEFINITELY dont do ecstasy, be v careful with homemade edibles kids they can be Dangerous, charlie does bad drugs science, mac and dennis were banging in s5, mac is pining over dennis lowkey, not condoning weed use!!!, takes place during s7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 10:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17466209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_geese/pseuds/golden_geese
Summary: frank is otherwise occupied. the twins storm out in two separate fits of annoyance. mac and charlie are left to close up the bar. instead, they eat some special treats.





	mac and charlie get stoned

2011  
A Wednesday  
12:22 a.m.

“Don’t _touch_ me, Mac.”

“I was just walking past you, bro.”

Dennis scowls. Slams a clean glass down.

Mac continues toward the office. Feels Dennis’ gaze on his back. 

( _he didn’t mean it like that, don’t be a baby,_ he tells himself)

“You guys ready to close up?” Dee asks, yawning, oblivious to the awkward energy.

“Yeah. Mac-- get that drunk guy out of here,” Dennis orders.

Mac stops short, turning back toward Dennis. “How about a please?”

“A what?” Dennis asks impatiently.

“You’ve been barking orders and snapping at me all week, man. Ask me nicely,” he says, raising his chin, ignoring the sound of his fuzzy beard scratching against the collar of his Tommy Bahama shirt.

“We don’t have time for this, just do your goddamn job, okay, _head of security_?” Dennis snaps.

“Please deal with the drunk guy, Mac,” Charlie says easily from his stool.

“I need to hear it from Dennis.”

Mac isn’t facing Dee, but he can practically feel her eye roll regardless. “Dennis, goddammit, just say please.”

“No. In fact, you three can close up. I’m out of here.” 

Jacket, keys, gone. Just like that. Mac watches the front door slam shut.

“What’s his deal?” Charlie asks, sipping his beer.

“I don’t know. He’s been a dick to me all week,” Mac pouts.

“He doesn’t like your…” Dee gestures vaguely. Mac glances at her just in time to see. “Thing.”

“My thing?” Mac asks, grabbing the bag of M&M’s he’d left behind the bar. “What thing? What are you talking about, Dee?” He asks through a mouthful of candy.

She makes a face. “That thing. How you keep talking with your mouth full and stuffing your face all the goddamn time and spilling food all over yourself. He doesn’t like your thing.”

Mac blinks. “How do you know? Did he say it to you? Is he jealous that I’ve tacked on mass?”

“No, you idiot, he’s not jealous. He’s grossed out or disturbed or some shit. I don’t know. He didn’t tell me, but I know anyway ‘cause-- ‘cause we’re twins, and he’s my brother, or whatever. I’m leaving too. You and Charlie can take care of the drunk guy and close up.”

“Fine,” Charlie says as Dee grabs her purse and jacket. “You don’t help us anyway. Bird.”

Mac laughs, revealing a mouth full of half-eaten M&M’s to the indifferent, stale air of Paddy’s. “Too bad Dennis left. That was a good one, Charlie.”

“You guys are assholes,” Dee huffs. “That wasn’t funny the first time and it sure as shit isn’t funny the millionth time.” She slams the door too.

Mac swallows the candy and chases it with another handful. “Where’s Frank, bro?”

“Hooker,” Charlie answers, downing the last of his beer. “I dunno why they make such a big deal of everything.”

“Dennis and Dee?”

“Yeah. It’s like, who cares, who’s eating what? You’re eating M&M’s, I’m huffing bleach, you’re eating a burrito, Frank is eating cat food-- who cares?”

“...Yeah,” Mac agrees, after doing a spot of Charlie Science and determining the bleach and cat food thing is a lost cause. “You’re right, dude. What does it matter who’s eating what?”

“You wanna eat a weed, dude?”

Mac blinks. Tries to do Charlie Science Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. Can’t figure it out.

“Like, a dandelion? Are you eating dandelions now? Is that your new thing?” Mac asks a moment later.

“No, dude. Weed. Like, eating weed.” He pulls a ziplock bag out of his jacket pocket. The cookies inside it slide around. “The devil’s cucumbers, man.”

“Lettuce,” Mac corrects. “Those are weed cookies?”

“Yeah, dude.”

“Where’d you get ‘em?”

“Artemis brought a bunch over for Frank, so, you know… I took a couple.”

Mac does some Artemis Science. Safe, he figures. If it was from Cricket or Bill Ponderosa's weird goth son or one of Frank’s hookers, well, who knows what’s in it-- but Artemis, while chaotic, is at least somewhat sensible. Mac nods.

“Okay, dude. Give me one.”

“Better take two, dude. Just in case.”

“Good point, good point.”

Quiet cloaks the bar for a moment as Mac and Charlie much on the weed cookies. They taste funky-- probably a lot of weed in them, Mac figures as he devours the second one in two bites. Oh well.

“Mac,” Charlie says a moment later, as they’re both washing down the weed taste with beer.

“What, bro?” Foam in his beard. Definitely foam in his beard. Whatever. There might as well be foam in his beard. Since he’s so disgusting all of a sudden. (dennis.)

“We gonna get the drunk guy outta here, man?”

“Hmm?” Mac follows Charlie’s gaze-- and his eyes land on a totally blasted regular, slumped in a booth, eyes closed, hand still around the handle of his beer mug. “Oh, shit. Yeah. Okay. Let’s drag him out.”

+  
2011  
A Wednesday  
1:43 a.m.

Mac laughs so hard his eyes sting and his throat feels raw. He needs some damn water. He reaches for his half-finished beer instead, clumsily gulping it down.

“I’m just saying-- I see cauliflower and I don’t think ‘food’. I see cauliflower and I think, wow, poison, who’s trying to poison me,” Charlie rambles, voice barely affected by the (very fucking strong) edibles.

Mac erupts in a fresh fit of giggles, nearly spitting beer everywhere, grabbing onto the side of their booth for balance even though he’s sitting down. The room is kind of spinning. He considers just closing his eyes, but he has to be alert in case some situation starts.

“You eat poison all the time, dude,” he manages between laughs.

“Like, sure, I’ll huff some glue or whatever, yeah, it’s like, relaxing,” Charlie babbles, “but like, that doesn’t mean-- other people are allowed to poison me, y’know?”

“Dennis eats cauliflower.”

“Dennis is fucked up, man.”

“He eats it in like, little pieces, so it looks like rice,” Mac explains, the words sounding insane as he hears them reverberate through the bar. He has to cover his mouth to laugh for a moment before he can continue. “He eats little pieces of it in a bowl with like, baked chicken with no salt and broccoli. And I’m like, if you’re gonna eat broccoli, why are you eating cauliflower?”

“That’s crazy, dude.”

“And then he’s like, you should eat this too, it’s healthy, but cauliflower looks so gross!”

“It’s poison, man.”

Mac finishes his beer. Forces himself to take a deep breath so he doesn't get the hiccups. “Have you ever tried it?”

Charlie sips his beer too, frowning a little. “Have I ever… tried it? No? It looks like poison.”

Mac bursts into laughter once again. It’s really starting to dizzy him; he leans back against the cracked, padded vinyl, trying to get his bearings. “You keep saying that! It’s a perfectly acceptable vegetable! It just tastes bad!”

“Have you ever tried it?” Charlie demands, his voice dipping at the word ‘you’.

“No.”

“Yeah, ‘cause it looks like poison.”

Mac laughs so hard his face hurts. He covers it with his hands, his fuzzy beard scratching against his palms, the sound of his choked giggles reverberating through the bar. It’s like layers and layers of tissue paper crinkling around him. He almost feels overwhelmed, but he doesn’t stop laughing for a long time.

Charlie takes a handful of pretzels from the bag and stuffs them in his mouth. “It’s like, Dennis, he _wants_ to eat poison.”

“Dennis,” Mac groans, leaning his forehead against the table. It’s kind of sticky. “He’s being so mean to me lately, bro. I don’t even know why.”

“Dee said it’s ‘cause he’s mad about M&Ms,” Charlie says, words slurring a little. He gets up and heads toward the bar.

“Can you get me another beer?” Mac calls, barely turning his head enough to see what Charlie is doing.

“Yeah, sure.”

“She said he’s mad ‘cause I was talking with my mouth full. He’s jealous. I’ve tacked on tons of mass.”

“It’s whatever, man,” Charlie says, setting two open beers on the table.

“No, dude, he’s, like, he’s seriously pissed at me.” The room is really spinning now-- Mac wants nothing more than to be alone in the dark, tucked into his bed, but he’s half a mile away from home. “He’s like-- he won’t hardly look at me, and he gets made if I get too close, and he never wants to hang out anymore.

“He’s a dick.”

“He’s our best friend.”

“Yeah, but like, he’s a dick,” Charlie insists, taking a swig of beer. 

“But I live with him.”

“I feel like I’m travelling through space and time,” Mac mutters, clutching at his face. “Those edibles are really… strong.”

“I don’t feel a thing hardly. And I just huffed a bunch of gas too.”

Mac sits up straight, narrowing his eyes at his friend. “When?”

“Like, just now. When you were moaning about how fat you are.”

“I’m not fat,” Mac says immediately. “I tacked on mass. I’m buff. I’m so buff right now it’s ridiculous, bro. I’m like a beefcake.”

“Yeah, man, but it’s like, you are kinda fat though.”

Mac doesn't respond. It seems like the Fun High is over already-- now he's in Sleepy Weird High territory. 

(probably shouldve just had 1 cookie)

“Dennis told me I have beautiful lips once,” he hears himself say.

Charlie's face scrunches up. “That doesn't sound like Dennis.”

He frowns a little. Wonders if he imagined it. Did happen a few years back, after all.

(other stuff happened that year too)

“Dennis is like, only nice if there’s reasons for it,” Charlie says through a mouthful of pretzels.

“No he’s not. He’s very nice. He’s one of the nicest people I know.”

“He thinks you’re an asshole.”

“I am an asshole,” Mac says.

(all kinds of stuff happened that year. dave & busters, hookups in dennis’ bed, kisses even if they weren’t drunk-- they even held hands once or twice)

“We need to go outside,” Mac hears himself say. “We need to pray. We need to-- God is-- weed is a sin, Charlie. We need to ask for forgiveness for sinning.”

“Aww, I don’t wanna go outside, man,” Charlie says slowly. “I’ll tell you what-- we got a slime situation in the basement. I don’t know what it is or how it got there. It started as a puddle and slowly but surely it turned into a slime situation. It’s like the yuck puddle, it’s impervious to clean-up-- I’ve been dying to get inside its mind, figure out what makes it tick, you know? How ‘bout you and I put on a couple of those Paddy’s shirts we got in the back room and roll around in it?”

Mac laughs, surprising himself-- it makes him dizzy, though, and he ends up with his face against the table again. “I don’t think I can-- what are you even saying, bro?”

“You, like, you can’t hold your weed, dude, can you?” Charlie says.

“That shit was strong!”

“It was medium.”

“No!”

“Do I need to call Dennis to pick you up, dude?”

“No,” Mac says, sitting up quickly (too quickly, his body protests as he straightens out-- the room spins, since when is paddy’s so goddamn dizzy--)

“You should go home, though, before you pass out,”

“Weed doesn’t make you pass out, dumbass.”

His voice is like molasses, irredeemably slow; his words incomprehensible and stupid. He doesn’t even bother asking if he’s making sense.

“You want me to call Frank and see if he’s done with the hooker?”

Mac makes a face. “No, dude. Gross.” He scoots over to the wall, leaning into the corner it makes with the back of the booth, and closes his eyes. “M’fine. I’ll walk home in a minute.”

Charlie continues babbling about spiders or cats or the waitress or whatever. Mac tunes him out, his ears ringing dizzily; he tries to swallow a few times, but his throat won’t do it at first. Not that he uses weed too much anymore-- but he forgot how much more intense edibles are compared to smoking, especially when it’s Too Much Edibles.

(dennis, his subconscious suggests)

(dennis hates you now for some reason)

(you never should have ended things back in 2009 who cares what dee thought who cares if shit was getting a little gay who cares youve never come so much in your life and he said he hasnt either who cares who cares who cares)

(you know you havent tacked on mass you know youre just fat as shit)

“And, like, if you do the glue traps right, sometimes you can catch a couple ghouls at a time-- at least I think you can, I’m gonna try it soon, you should help me, I might need help and you’re the only one who’s nice about catching ghouls and shit, Dennis always just says they aren’t real and Frank never wants to--”

(dennis fucking hates you now for some reason)

Mac hears Dee’s squawking voice in his head for a moment; remembers how she yelled at him about how fat he was at the Jersey shore a few weeks back.

(the plan was to tack on mass and work out a shit ton so he gets super buff and he was supposed to be the best most intimidating bouncer in the whole city and maybe then dennis would--)

“Anyway, bro, I think I’m like, pretty close to closing the deal with the waitress. That night we had in the Jersey Shore was magical. But she was on ecstasy or something. So I think the key to like, both of us being happy, is if I just get her to take a bunch of ecstasy all the time.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” Mac grumbles.

“No it’s not. She was happy and we had a really nice time together and all that. I think it’s a good idea. Anyway, ecstasy is just like weed but better, and weed is totally safe.”

“Ecstasy is not like weed but better.”

“How do you know?” Charlie asks.

“Everyone knows that, dude.”

“Nobody knows that. ‘Cause it’s not real.”

“Have you ever done ecstasy?”

Mac thinks for a second. “...no.”

“Yeah. So you don’t know. I haven’t done it either, but like, I was with the waitress all night when she was on it, and she was having a great time. So it can’t be that bad,” he rambles. “I think like, ecstasy and the Jersey Shore are the key to us being happy together. We should move there and just do a ton of ecstasy and drink sunscreen and like, sleep on the beach.”

“Bro, it’s never going to happen with you two,” Mac grumbles, rubbing at his face. “You should just give up.”

“Here’s the thing, though, I figured out how it’s gonna work out, so like, don’t speak so soon, you know? I tried the big romantic displays of love with the Nightman Cometh thing and she didn’t like that-- she’s a classy woman. A subtle woman, you know? And there’s nothing classier or more subtle than the Jersey Shore.”

(give up on the waitress, she’s never going to love you charlie, mac’s mind huffs over and over again. give up give up give up you’re going to be alone forever)

(and so am i)

He sighs, squeezing his eyes shut, leaning against the wall, and eventually he falls asleep to the ambient noise of Charlie’s voice.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this was supposed 2 be fun but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i can't ever do that Now Can I :(  
> follow me at golden-geese.tumblr.com if u want more Bad Fics


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